Use Your Illusions.

December 19, 2008

I have one million things on my mind. Some of which, I'm going to share. As I open up the flood-gates that have become my mind, things begin to pour out. The same happens as I take drinks of alcohol. I was told long ago to "Use my Illusion," and I believe now, at 25 years old, I'm beginning to understand what that means. Somewhat. The lustery things in front of our faces are sometimes not real. They simply satisfy us at the moment, and so, it's sometimes just easier to pretend they are real.

The year 2008 was the most important thing to happen in my lifetime, as of yet. I can honestly say I'm breathing (and thinking) on my own right now, and that the only person I'll let in right now - is myself. Too much has happened. Honesty has been betrayed, and feelings were rejected. I made my fair share of mistakes in the past year, as we all have. But possibly the biggest mistake of all was opening myself up to all of it. I swore I never would (again).

When you're in love, you're vulnerable. This goes for friends and lovers, all alike. There are people in this world that don't want you to be happy. There are those who are so miserable, that they want you right there next to them. Why? Because misery loves company. My best friend is getting married. He wants me to be just as happy, for myself. He's a good friend.

There also are predators out there who wish to take what's yours, and sadly, there are those who go on in life, oblivious to that very notion. Sometimes I'm one of each. Other times, like now, I'm simply watching it all unfold. Like a manifest destiny, it's happening regardless of what kind of fight I've put up. And so, as of last night, I decided I would fight this pointless battle no more. The agony inside of me that has transpired over this long stretch of time has finally reached it's end. I'm not forcing anyone to love me. I shouldn't have to.

Thanks in great to the wonderful times I've spent over the past 8 months, I now know what it is I want in life. And I know *exactly* what I do NOT want in my life. The sad part is some people are so jaded inside, and think they can plan out every little detail with love. Sadly, they all learn that love has no regard for them in the end, and it's easier to live life in the past. That's why the majority of us will go on and marry people we will never truly love, and divorce, and displeasures will occur. Yet, just like in, "Early Autumn," (Langston Hughes' story), we will always look back at that ONE person who we should have never let go. We rob ourselves of happiness for the illusion that there's always something (or someONE) better. But there's not. And then comes the rest of our lives.

I've reached the point of 'using my illusions,' so to speak. I acknowledge that I've found what I want, and at the same time, I see that for whatever reason, I'm not allowed to touch it. Looking through the glass. Just like old times.

When you're going through the motions, you just know whether it's right or wrong. I can tell that if it were right, I would be met with mutual regard. Also, when somebody isn't being true, it shows clear. There's no hiding from it. ("...keep all the details covered, you're such a sucker for a sweet-talker.")

I also know that in the end, I'd rather settle for something less, and learn to be satisfied with that; and that it's better to be loved by someone or something, wholeheartedly, than to force someone incapable of such a thing to do so. Hence, I'm giving up the fight. It shouldn't be this way for anyone. And it won't be this way for me, forever.

For those of you out there who do, however, have little or no regard for others' feelings, and you do lie, cheat, and steal from genuine hearts, shame on you. Shame on you for denying yourself happiness. Shame on you for hiding the truth, and killing true romance. For you have truly let love die.

As I go about life from here on out, I have promised myself to let the chips fall where they may. If somebody is out to harm me, I won't stand in their way to do so. And if true happiness is going to blossom, I'm not going to ruin that chance from happening, either. Live life by the wayside. I'm 25, I've dreamed big dreams, accomplished a lot, struggled hard, and yet I'm STILL HERE. Nobody can deny me that. And just like that, I'm ready to share my love, joys, pains, AND struggles with someone who truly loves me for who I am. Good and bad. Ups and downs, we will share all of it together, forever. I don't believe in divorce, and I will marry, once. I'm devoted, willing to fight and protect, and I'm someone who has never given up on what's right. Ever. There are people who appreciate these qualities in another. In fact, to some - this is GOLDEN.

This is who I am. I'll never change what's inside of me.

One way or another, we all get what we deserve.


These lyrics make the most sense. The song is fitting for what's now.

"I'll Let You Live"
(Taking Back Sunday)

The first degree was a riot
You were making sure
My lesson's learned
I'm not ashamed but i'm trying
I've come to expect the standards you have set...
Tell me just how dangerous is second best
You've Settled for less and i'm sure you'll settle again

There's no stopping me
I'm gutting you out (does this make you feel safe)
There's no stopping this...
I'm gutting you out (does this make you feel safe)

The closer that i look is just the further that you get
Already stubborn skin thickens
In attempt to understand
Understand.

There's no stopping me
I'm gutting you out (does this make you feel safe)
There's no stopping this...
I'm gutting you out (does this make you feel safe)

you got tired (got tired)
of waiting around (of waiting),
When the guilt subsides well the night begins...
and i know its not what you deserve

Came as a gift from a good friend (a good friend)
That disapproves
But understands
That you represent
And actively encourage
All of my worst habits
They all are proof
That we're both capable of the most terrible things
"Don't test me!"

There's no stopping me
I'm gutting you out (does this make you feel safe)
There's no stopping this...
I'm gutting you out (does this make you feel safe)

you got tired (got tired)
of waiting around (of waiting),
The guilt subsides well the night begins...
and i know its not what you deserve

well I know its not what you deserve (its not what you deserve)
well I know its not what you deserve (well i know its not what you deserve)