my fears.
"i bartered tact for wit."
for sure. i traded my dreams of living in a van with 4 other dudes, traveling the country, playing shows in dirty bars and clubs, eating bologna sandwiches and having conversations with loved ones over the phone (in hopes of striking gold). after crucifying one by one, each of the band members (and more importantly, friends) i have worked with for leaving music and having babies & marriage instead, i did the unthinkable: i abandoned those who didn't appreciate me at the time, put the breaks on trying to be some sort of a rock star, and finally fell in love with the girl. i followed my heart on that one. to me, as passionate as i was about the music and art - i was even more in love with this girl.
had i known that moving to los angeles would have meant dealing with a shit-ass landlord from day one, financial ruin, and daily stresses that would later damage my love (relationship), and basically ruining everything I had been working for, would i still have gone? maybe. maybe not. i know there's a part of me that knows to NEVER give up, but also a wiser part of me that knows when something's not good for me - to stay away from it.
being in love means compromise between 2 people. love holds two lives together, and yet our dreams do not always coincide with one another. so i realized.
while i'm at it, some people will stand in your way of being happy (in love). i'm not sure why they do it, nor does it really matter in the end. it has something to do with condescendence, and thinking you know better than the next guy in line. but i guess the real question follows this notion. "If it's TRUE love, wouldn't it stand AGAINST these distractors?" IS. LOVE. ENOUGH?
the way i always saw it, I would find that one person and she would love me for who i was (both good and bad). not just enjoy having me around, but truly be MOVED and INSPIRED by me. i always envisioned this person as someone who was independent enough to do her own thing, as i'm doing my own. and someone who at the end of the day is so exhausted from her own daily work, that all she needed was for me to hold her in her arms - and that right there, would be enough to make her happy. forget about bills. forget about property. forget about all of these things that the "world" says you need in order to be happy. all of those things just get in the way of what is true. Love is all we need.
Take the movie "Fight Club," which i constantly see going on in every day life. we, as society BELIEVE that we need rich houses and cars to be happy. in the end, it's all crap. none of that stuff matters at ALL. so why in hell am i so obsessed with attaining these things? because i am programmed just like the rest of the guys out there to believe that if I dont drive a big car and have a big house and a big boat, that i wont find a woman to love me. and the truth is- many of them wont.
So i gave up on trying to be someone I wasn't. i appreciate and love myself. i am a fighter. i am a SURVIVOR. but at the same time, i am weak without love. i need it. and thats the beauty and art of my love. it pains me that some people won't ever understand this. the most valuable thing i could ever offer you is to need you.
did i fall in love with the wrong person? am i not good enough for love? Is love NOT enough? these are all questions that peer in and out of this mind. i guess there are certainly times when i feel quite the opposite. times i feel like everything is right where it needs to be, and i'm doing everything correct. like when i'm laying beside that person, and the entire world stops just for us, just for that one moment. i have never in my lifetime experienced that kind of joy, anywhere else.
and the times when i'm on my A-game. going to school. making the best grades i'm able to do. busting my ass when i'm OFF the clock. making all the connections in the working world (creative) that i can. being justin mutherfu*king hite- better than anyone else will ever do. and i know at the end of the day that i have inspired a few. people that read my blog, listen to the music that i love creating, the artwork i produce at school, the people i interact with everyday and night- the bars, venues, cell phone mobile posts, and on and on and on. i do it best.
this is me. i am a man of passion. i am a man of quality character. i am a lover, and a fighter. i am able to be broken. i won't last forever, and my heartbeat count is limited, as are my waking days. i would sail an ocean by myself for her. i would stand in front of a moving truck. i can not understand how anyone else could ever say that's not enough. or that this is not true love. To me, those people have never had to sacrifice for their love. Therefore, it makes sense that they wouldn't understand. Because I have. My heart is a s pure as they come. And so is my love.
and so, here i am. right back where it all started. one year later. april 13, 2009. 365 days after realizing i had fallen in love with her. if i had all day to spend thinking about this, would i come closer to a solution? who knows. but i have other challenges to overcome. i have mountains to climb, buildings to soar, and crowds to move. like i said, i know what it feels like when it's just her and i. i know what exists there between us. but i also see that the people in her life most concerned with "us," want us apart. and sadly, there's no room in my life for that kind of negativity. nor is there room for negligence of this love that i speak of. Those people's opinions mean so little to me, because they couldn't be more far from the truth.
feelings, emotions, hearts, and futures are all on the line. and i have known this for some time. why i chose to fight this battle is simple. i saw a good ending. i saw the light at the end of the tunnel. but then i started looking back and realizing i was the only one fighting for it. and that's simply unfair. Nobody deserves that. Especially not me.
they say character is defined as what you do when no one's watching. I learned a lot about that quote. I see how people have acted when I was not around. And while I'm at it, too many have passed on me and the wonderful things i have to offer. and looking back, i see how i passed by each one of them, and sort of felt sorry in the end - for them. i know in my heart, it's time to move on from this state of being, because it's damaged me severely. and that's going to take some time to repair. whether i relocate, re-invent my way of life, or become a ghost to your being, you can be sure i'm still moving forward.
true love is forever.
